make sense

I have been depressed the last couple of days. I'm not sure why. Maybe its because I am finally realizing that I can't really rely on my family like I thought I could. I don't really know whats going on in my life at the moment.

heyy

I dont have much to say right now. Thought I should post something though.

For Lilly

Friendship: A person whom one knows and with whom one has a bond of mutual affection typically exclusive of sexual or family relations. 

That is how Google defines friends, but its deeper then that. Deeper then mere words could ever describe, but something that can be easily lost or broken at a moments notice. 

Best friend: The one friend who is closest to you.  

I don't know about you but I have never had one best friend. There are so many different circumstances that can require a different best friend or a situation that causes you to make a new best friend to add onto the pile of best friends. I don't believe one person could fit every role required in any situation. 

I have multiple best friends, some I have had for years and some that I have only known for a few years, and ones who know me better than I know my own self.

The one I have known the longest is Lilly. 

I met her and her family the day they moved into my neighborhood. She did not like me right away.She thought I was some weird white girl, which I was. I was friends with Tina first, I'm not really sure how that happened, but as time went on Lilly and I became close, even after she smacked me across the back with a stick because I didn't want to pick up the papers I threw down. 

I really was a brat growing up. Lilly was there though. Even Tina and Kay. 

We had some fun times me and my girls. We spent most summers doing something everyday be it swimming, watching T.V., hitting on boys who were older then us, having singing and dancing contests (I have no moves) and many other things. Then Lilly got her drivers license. That was a miracle with the way she drives lol. 

That gave us freedom though. They introduced me to the party life. Drinking and staying out till late. Socializing with people I never would have had the nerve to talk to before. 

There were times when it was just me and her though. We would get in the car and go to our spot by the canal and just sit and talk. About the past, the present, the future. The boys we found hot, family problems, anything really. 

Somewhere along the line we grew apart. They say its because I started dating Rusty and they didn't want to intrude. I say it was happening long before that. 

Maybe it was when Lilly and Jerry were getting more serious while they weren't at the same time. Maybe it was the fact that I was growing out of the habits and past times they were still enjoying. Maybe it was a combination of all those things. 

Whatever it was I wish I could go back and fix it. Make sure I didn't let it slip away so easily. Maybe there was nothing I could have done, but now I fear its too late to fix, to take back the silence on both ends, the too busy schedules, the blown off plans. 

Now when I could use a friend the most I'm left hating myself for letting go of a relationship that was built over a long period of time. 

One that I miss the most. 

Listen to this

Goodbye to endings

In an hour it will be the end of July and the beginning of a new month, hopefully this means the end of drama and the start of good things.

I'll keep praying for that.

I feel bad for Rusty the past couple of days, I have been a real bitch and that is true. I admit it I have been a bitch. Its not all my fault, though I am not really trying to put the blame other places.

Its been hot, stinky and loud in this house the last two days.

I'm also on my girly time, which is a good thing. I'm not pregnant, yay! lol

Don't get me wrong I do want kids, someday but right now I'm only 22 and we are living in his parents house with 6 other people. His mom Gloria, dad Pete, older brother Rico, nephew Lil Rico, nephew Christian, and last but not least our favorite Brendan. Notice the sarcasm on the last kid.

They aren't that bad but they all lack serious attention from both of their parents. It shows in their behavior. Most days I want to grab Rico and smack him till he pays attention to his kids, God knows they need it.

I'm excited because tomorrow I can crochet even though I was semi sneaking and crocheted for three hours while Rusty was taking a nap after we argued.

Anyone else out there have stupid arguments when they are hot and cranky and in pain?
I know I do. Its when I'm my most irritable and when I tell you to back the hell off before I snap you really should.

Rusty and I like to push each other to the tipping point every so often. We just get this itch to keep pushing.
I think its because we have some communication issues. Don't we all though.

That's why my aunt wont talk to me.

Anywho thats a story for another day....

I'm going to go take a shower. Its hot and I'm all sweaty and stinky.

Tomorrow I will rehash the hurt that is in my heart but for tonight I leave you with this quote and the hope that we can all find some happiness in our dreams. 

Here's to today!

I have been dealing with issues,health or family wise, all my life. It's one of my many reasons why I am such a strong optimistic person, because I have to be. My family and friends need me to be. At a young age I threw myself into books to get away from my life. I loved to read fantasy books. I would stay up till all hours of the night reading, even if I had school or had to get up early.

I still read all the time. I have this app on my phone for Wattpad because books are so damn expensive these days and I am usually broke. No money usually and what I do have goes to yarn or gas. So that's how I fall asleep at night reading on my phone. Sometimes I drop it on my face, which is when I know its time for bed.

I've wanted to be a writer for most of my life. I have this amazing story inside of me but I am too afraid to let it out. I don't want to be a disappointment to my family, well the ones I still talk too. Every time I start a story is stop which is one of the reasons why I loved writing poetry, it can be ended whenever. It doesn't have to be more then a page, heck it doesn't have to be more then a paragraph if you so decided. It can be short and sweet and to the point without all that extra stuff.

Then I decided I wanted to be a baker because I loved making things and I love to see peoples faces and how they light up when they eat my bread, cookies or cake/brownies otherwise known as crownies lol. I decided against that, while I love to bake it wasn't something I could see myself doing long term especially with my allergies.

FYI: I'm allergic to citrus fruits including oranges,lemons, limes, and grapefruits. I also happen to be allergic to milk and my most recent development is strawberries. I cried when I found out I was allergic to them. I love Strawberries.

So after writing and baking failed I decided that I was going to pick up crocheting again in order to make some extra cash during Christmas, lets just say that that worked way better then I thought it would. I then decided that while I was going to keep doing side jobs, like helping my aunt, my grandma and cleaning an elderly ladys house, that I was going to try and make a crochet business work.

 I love making new things and the smiles on peoples faces when they see the item(s) they ordered or bought.

Speaking of which:

 The bonnet is done in light pink and white. It has a popcorn stitch with the white yarn. 

Price: $15.00

These booties match the baby bonnet with the colors. Size: 6- 12 months.

Price: $ 12.00

Cell phone cozy Green, black, and grey shimmer yarn. It has a grey ribbon to do a drawstring tie with the top of the cozy. 

Price: $8.00

Well I think that is all today. one of my longest posts so far. 

I'm baaaack!

Did you miss me? My almost nonexistent readers? Well I missed you. Been busy trying to solve my family drama and get my butt into gear again. When I get depressed then I don't want to do anything at all. Like right now. I'm bored and I want to crochet but I have to wait since Rusty's days off keep changing. :(

Feeling relaxed

Well today was my Friday, meaning that for the next two days I am not supposed to crochet, look for patterns, or blog really. We all know that I'm not really going to follow that which means I will be on once or twice.